the bitches are back!

the soulsister's are at it again....Sharing and Caring: For the Selfish Bastard in all of Us
is in the works. i figure, we better get cracking before i'm too pregnant to want to do it at all.
good times...

i think my hair is pregnant...

i have that big hair already, it's thicker, fuller....a little soon don'tchya think?

spiderman vs. doc-ock (aka. mom)

doc-ock...

i am now affectionately referred to as doc-ock by my boys. neither of the boys have seen the movie but are still obsessed, i think it's the spiderman legos we have.
josiah will randomly yell- "doc-ock!!!!" and jack instantly comes running and holds my leg as tight as he can.

"you got doc-ock?" says josiah.

"yeah!" jack replies.
then there are loud whoops while both boys run away.

we see the tides changing, they are unifying. jack will not let us touch josiah's uneaten dinner,
"no, no mama...josiah"

and josiah totally freaks if anyone is mean to jack on the playground. there is a point where the sibling bond overtakes the world. nothing delights me more as i feel the same way about my own sisters. like if we had to, we could take on the world, and kick ass- the doc-ocks and all.

just sort of here...

there are kind of mixed emotions about this pregnancy. the few people i've told are so shocked. i don't know if it is because of the timing or because it's number three.

i've had this cautious feeling since the beginning like it might not stick. i have no earthly idea why, i mean, i have symptoms- i'm tired, it hurts to nurse...no nausea, but it's still early. i'm not sure how my fitness will play in either. i've been pretty consistently working out for a year, cardio, free weights, i'm wondering if this is affecting how i feel.

and none of this has kept me from telling close friends and family. so i'm not sure where my own feelings of hesitation and caution are coming from. it's kind of got me down actually. i guess there isn't much to do except wait.

party of five...

so it seems i'm pregnant. it feels unreal somehow, like i'm not sure it's really happening.

i waited a whole week to tell jorge, anyone that knows me is shocked i could keep such a secret for so long.

i'm just not great that way, i can keep other people's secrets but anything that involves just myself, forget it. the filter is barely there. i' d like to think it's a sweet, endearing, vulnerable quality about me, but it has gotten me into trouble in the past. this is also the reason i suck at poker. after the initial shock, jorge just had a silly grin on his face the rest of the night.

we have been joking for months about how awful it would be if we got pregnant right now.

"wow babe, we dodged that bullet this month..." ha,ha,ha...

"oh my god, dude, can you imagine if we got pregnant, that would suck." "i know, right?"

so you can imagine my hesitation to tell. but jorge reminded me this is how we do things, we aren't really planners, we like it to just sort of happen. and then of course, we wax poetic about how this really is the best timing ever and discuss trivial matters like what kind of car we should buy. the x-terra is just too small. i can see my husband's mind ticking, mixing the practical with the mushy. i am however, still cautious...pregnancy has always been a lonely time for me.

it brings back memories of hard times and experiences. the process sounds tiring and long but the idea of a baby sounds so right. we weren't complete, party of four only sounded right for a while. i know we always have been waiting for our party of five...

my valentine's... 

i heart valentine's day!

as a young child, i can remember anticipating valentine's day. we would gather our valentines to share with our friends at school. my mom was always the room mother and she just kicked ass at parties. my mother taught me the fine art of making a party special, everyone included, even valentine's day that is traditionally for lovers became a family holiday.

as we got older and there were no more parties at school, we would come home to the brooklyn tabernacle choir blaring while my mother was singing her heart out and setting the table. a decorated table, a heart shaped meatloaf, macaroni and cheese, little paper bags taped to the wall with each person's name on it, little presents wrapped with curly ribbon on the hutch. my dad would come home with flowers and fine chocolates for each girl, we felt loved. those traditions created opportunities for kindness, something my parents were experts at.

in my own family of mostly boys, i often miss the "little things" that created the space and opportunity to love. jorge is leaving for las vegas and will be gone so we are having some of josiah's friends over for lunch. at the last minute i decided we really needed a family valentine's day too. it wouldn't be on par with ginny hammond's, but it was something.

jack helped me decorate by taping heart doilies to the door frames. josiah set the table with an odd assortment of things of old decorations he found. jorge helped the boys with their valentines- they weren't homemade- it was a mixture of star wars, the simpsons, and princess valentines that were several years old from a party we had before we had kids. the kids thought they were fantastic. we sat and exchanged valentines, the boys could barely wait to open the present sitting in the center of the table. no curly ribbon-a sherrie bobbins job for sure- but they didn't care.

it was a dvd, commercialism is flowing, but somehow the thought and sentiment is working it's way to the surface.

josiah's parting words before descending to the bedroom for movie watching-

"mom, i love you with my body, with my heart, with my soul."

"this is a nice valentine's huh?"

i heart valentine's day!

not feeling so lenty...

i totally forgot that last night was ash wednesday. this is all sort of new for me, the liturgical stuff, i come from that non-denominational, evangelical, that'sforthecatholics kind of background.

last year we talked about lent with the kids, did some art, it was cool. this year i had already planned a valentine's party so we just went with that. it came so dog gone early this year too. what's up with that? easter is right around the corner man. but anyway, i worked all day on the party, i was very excited. i love wednesday night because i get to be with school age kids. i didn't realize how much i like that age range. i've worked with older kids in the past but i always felt more drawn to preschoolers.

i gotta say the night was a little disappointing. there were lots of toddlers and babies, because of ash wednesday. we also had a low turn out from the regulars- there is a family i love, they didn't come- they just make everything so much fun, a lot less party happening when they aren't around.

so in the midst of all this- lent, it's lent! i'm not ready for lent- i'm not even thinking about what i want to give up. i'm still playing catch up from christmas and the zine. my kids are sick again, maybe some painting will help. our poor lord, with all these slackers- thank god he loves the fuck-ups too...

finding my way back home...

so sorry dear blog for neglecting you, you are a dear friend. just taking my thoughts, allowing me to express, no expectations...

i've been distracted by livejournal for the last few months. it is a place that has history for me. i just watch and read about other people's (mostly mothers) lives, their experiences, their struggles. the weird things is, i really like all the people individually, but as a collective whole it's a bad match for me. i get all insecure and frustrated, my kids are older, i care about different things, i hate the junior high feel sometimes. it's a good place for some probably, toxic for me. i have almost stopped writing completely, this is not good...it's hard enough for me to write anyway.

so this is a return, a return to art, to thinking outloud with out a need for response or community, at least for right now. some communities are not good for your soul, it's strange because community is such a positive word for me. mmmm...something to ponder.

ugh...my head hurts.