garden state...

i just love the art of film... the music, the photography, and the people relaying the story, it's all woven so closely together, each element relying on the other to compel, to move, to draw the feelings out of you.

garden state came out on dvd this week, this was the movie of the year for me, saved was a close second. it holds a special memory because i came home one night to find a ticket for the 9:30 showing on my kitchen table. it was one of those moments when you feel guilty for losing all hope that your family (i.e. husband) will ever be thoughtful. jorge knew i needed a break, i didn't ask, it was just offered, this brand of kindness touches me so deeply.

so i sat in the dark, by myself, with a box of raisinets and a diet coke, and soaked in every minute of this movie that i hear is now the anthem of my generation.

what is the anthem you ask? the message being that it is so far better to feel than to be numb, there is beauty in pain, in the breakdown...let's just say it's definitely an nf movie.
(for an explanation- http://www.personalitypage.com/four-prefs.html)
even further, how can we ever regret our mistakes and failures because don't they shape us into the people that we are, isn't the process the thing? isn't it about the journey? aren't we all just trying to find our way? we're all fucked up...

and then i wonder about myself. i feel almost out of place, from some other time. i don't want to make any mistakes, i fear them. i am so afraid to fail. i'm scared of that feeling like somehow i'm less than, not as good, not as smart, not as valuable. and then i slowly realize how much i want this lesson, the one my peers breathe in and out...

who am i measuring myself next to? who is judging me anyway? am i missing something great on the journey because i am too afraid to try? is there a soul who will walk with me and hold my hand?

i love this anthem, i love my generation. i want to feel, i want to experience it all, i want to try. but i mostly want to be okay with not being okay, with failing, finding the beauty in the breakdown...

chimney sweeps and other dreamy christmas happenings...

(taken from http://soulsistersunite.com ) by me

well here we are on day 2, i feel the need to report on my christmas happenings.

right this very moment someone is cleaning my chimney so my christmas can be oh so more magical, complete with chesnuts roasting and all...i imagined the chimney sweep guy to be a little more like dick van dyke (a la mary poppins) in nature. you know, dancing on my roof, singing a spectacular musical number. i mean, it's a jolly holiday with you bert.

but alas, no dick, but a very nice kid in his 20's who looks tired and it's only 8:30am. i wish i had something in my kitchen to offer him, but even my pantry is bare. we've been too busy enjoying christmas to get to the stores.

"excuse me, ma'am, i'm afraid there are some minor cracks in your chimney lining, you all are in danger of carbon monoxide poisoning. the fireplace side of the flue is much better than the furnace side. the repairs will cost around $5000."

"umm, are you sure i can't use the fireplace just a little tiny bit? i mean we haven't died or anything yet right? i really need this fireplace for my christmas experience!"

he laughs and goes on to the particulars. i must say, i'm not sure what i'm more upset about, the $5000 or no fireplace this season...this sounds absurd i know, but it's how i feel. so i'm off to the store to buy like 8 carbon monoxide detectors and research the hell (i love you google) out of chimney liners because god knows we do not have 5 grand.

i wish i was mrs. banks, on the front lines of the suffrage movement, while bert and mary figured out my chimney problems with the children....supercalla my ass...

on a brighter note, in case you all are wondering....
andes creme de menthes are the new startlight mints, this might even replace my "m"azing peanut butter candy addiction.

musing with my lovah (page 11 of the zine) has made this christmas the best ever and we are only on day 2, lots of "projects" can sure make the season bright.

woodburning icons for your advent altar might take a little more skill than first anticipated. they ended up looking like a third grade project but josiah and i didn't seem to mind. art, it's all about the process.

josiah insisted that jorge take our baby jesus nativity book with him to work. i'm not really sure what that was about, one can only hope we aren't rearing a proselytizing fanatic. first it's christmas books, then it's tracts...i think maybe i've watched the movie saved one too many times this week.

so if anyone feels led, have a fire in your fireplace for me tonight...it would make me so happy to know you are having a oh so magical christmas.