garden state...

i just love the art of film... the music, the photography, and the people relaying the story, it's all woven so closely together, each element relying on the other to compel, to move, to draw the feelings out of you.

garden state came out on dvd this week, this was the movie of the year for me, saved was a close second. it holds a special memory because i came home one night to find a ticket for the 9:30 showing on my kitchen table. it was one of those moments when you feel guilty for losing all hope that your family (i.e. husband) will ever be thoughtful. jorge knew i needed a break, i didn't ask, it was just offered, this brand of kindness touches me so deeply.

so i sat in the dark, by myself, with a box of raisinets and a diet coke, and soaked in every minute of this movie that i hear is now the anthem of my generation.

what is the anthem you ask? the message being that it is so far better to feel than to be numb, there is beauty in pain, in the breakdown...let's just say it's definitely an nf movie.
(for an explanation- http://www.personalitypage.com/four-prefs.html)
even further, how can we ever regret our mistakes and failures because don't they shape us into the people that we are, isn't the process the thing? isn't it about the journey? aren't we all just trying to find our way? we're all fucked up...

and then i wonder about myself. i feel almost out of place, from some other time. i don't want to make any mistakes, i fear them. i am so afraid to fail. i'm scared of that feeling like somehow i'm less than, not as good, not as smart, not as valuable. and then i slowly realize how much i want this lesson, the one my peers breathe in and out...

who am i measuring myself next to? who is judging me anyway? am i missing something great on the journey because i am too afraid to try? is there a soul who will walk with me and hold my hand?

i love this anthem, i love my generation. i want to feel, i want to experience it all, i want to try. but i mostly want to be okay with not being okay, with failing, finding the beauty in the breakdown...