it's in the trying...

shopping at wal-mart is rarely ever a healing experience for me. it is usually one that is stressful and frustrating but dammit, they have the lowest prices in town. so we accept the experience for what it is and buy an ungodly amount of ice cream to make it through, plus melting ice cream is inspiration enough to shop as fast as you possibly can.

last night however, was much different. i got a call from my dad in the middle of the toothpaste aisle. we were in no rush, jorge was late again so i parked my kids in front of the fish tank and listened for awhile. my dad and i have a complicated relationship that is fraught with lots of misunderstanding and much love. we have never really talked about this before but i guess wal-mart is as good a place as any. i listened to my dad tell me the stories of his childhood, some things i never really knew. i could hear the pain in his voice and also some healing. i was struck by his continued desire to learn and grow, even at 60. we ended exchanging our feelings for one another and some of the anger and bitterness in my heart was melted by my dad's honesty, his desire to try, to give what he has.

i came home, fed the boys and crawled in to bed. my friday routine has ended up getting cozy in my bed with some take-out and the clicker. i just recently became addicted to the show six feet under so i'm catching up on all the old episodes on friday night from 9-11pm est. i love the writing on the show, it's just so good. by friday night of a long week during jorge's busy season i am more than ready to watch someone else's dysfunctional family. it feels so familiar and warm...

the episode last night was about nate's brain surgery. he waited to tell his mom about any of it until 2 days before the surgery. she was so hurt, she internalized until the morning of the surgery.

mom: "what is wrong with me that you didn't tell me?"
nate: "i didn't want to worry you."
mom: "but it's my job to protect you."
nate: "but mom, you can't protect me from this."
mom (crying): "but it's my job to TRY, it's in the trying that a person feels loved, i could have loved you better all these weeks."

i start to cry. it's in the trying, it's in the trying... i could feel my dad's love in a way i have never felt it before. as long as we try, we are expressing our love. i know i will fail my boys, my dad has failed me but i don't doubt his love. we have to keep trying, till we are old, till we die.