where is the love?

we jumped in the car almost an hour late for school this morning. it was cool and sun was shining, a most perfect day. jack had on josiah's hand me downs and looked so cute. there is something about clothing in retrospect, like now that they are hand me downs the oufits go together better. the worn clothes have known happiness, and lots of serious play. it's the history or something, i don't know. but jack looks different in them, he has made them his own and they say something totally different. i love this...

i was feeling a little pensive after a weekend of working on the zine. it is close, very close to being done. so close that you can almost start to believe you might actually finish something you set out to do. not a task like the dishes, or even taking a trip you always imagined. it's more like fulfilling a wish from your soul. it's exhilarating and also a little bit scary. i just kept thinking, "damn, maybe it's too jesusy". this is on my mind because i'm getting phone calls from jen who is on a trip with an old friend from christian college. my, things have changed, and it's hard. i just don't want to be misunderstood, is my heart conveyed? and then it just hits me...misunderstood? i don't even understand myself!

my old faith was so easy. you followed the rules, you did it the best you possibly could. there was lots of guilt and shame but there was also a weird peace and commonness. i loved the peace but hated the guilt. i loved someone understanding my love for my faith but hated the judgment.
so i shed most of it and this new faith, it's so hard. there is so much more grey, sometimes i'm not sure what i believe or what is true. this faith calls me to action, i can't just follow the rules. i question almost everything and sometimes feel more alone but my world is so much deeper. it requires all of me. it's about so much more.

but the busyness of the morning only allows so much contemplation and reflection. it's back to trying to fasten wiggly boys into car seats and making promises of park adventures after school.
i turn on the car and the music is loud. jorge left it on when he went to buy pizza the night before. it's the black-eyed peas, thank you god, a sermon for my weary soul.

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what they see in the cinemaYo',
whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead in spreading love we spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive till love is found
Now ask yourself
Where is the love?

i put all the windows down and sung my heart out on the chippenham parkway.
"josiah, this is the music for our day buddy!"
jack is bobbing his head up and down to the beat. i've heard this song a million times but the blessing was great today. it's okay, i don't have to be understood, i just have to share my soul. i gotta keep my faith alive until love is found.

maybe i don't have to ditch the hand me downs of my faith, maybe i mix them with new clothes to make them my own. maybe i just keep trying them on until they fit, until they are mine...