the aftermath of hallows eve

shaggy & scooby



well, halloween is over, the sugar induced coma should hit any moment now...

we all were up during the wee hours of hallows eve. i spent way too much time making costumes and had absolutely nothing ready for church on sunday morning. at midnight, i was working on a handout for the parents about collecting vitamins for an orphanage in russia we support while jack and josiah found my "personal items".

josiah was pretending the tampons were sticks of dynamite and jack thought the pantyliners were the best stickers ever. hot wheel cars and tampons were flying through the air while jack sorted his pretty pink "stickers".

this is after a week of making costumes, it was one of those projects that seems simple enough until you are actually doing it.
josiah tried on his green shaggy shirt.
"mom, i think this is too big. i'll just be a fireman..."
and then there's jack who earlier had a serious tantrum over the fact that he could not wear his scooby-doo collar because the glue was drying but now wants nothing to do with it. and the tail, jorge said it was too long so i cut it down and then jack was deeply disturbed that there was something hanging off of the back of him...this was his protest in the picture above.

and then somehow the magic of halloween hits. we arrived at the family festival at the church where i work. jack instantly forgot his costume even existed and josiah was mesmerized by the huge blow up slide. they played silly carnival games, ate cold hot dogs and got glow-in-the-dark necklaces that were way too big. they had no interest in entering the costume contest which is really just a parent award anyway. they had a glorious time.

so now we are home in our incredibly messy house thanking our lucky stars for the extra hour of sleep tomorrow morning as we have yet to adjust to the time change.
we love you halloween...

2 against 1!

me: jack, i need to change your diaper, come here!
josiah: run jack run! (and shrieking)
jack: runs as fast as he can while laughing

me: i'm gonna get you! (as i tackle jack to the floor)
josiah: i'll save you jack!
jack: still laughing

josiah is pulling his arm, the diaper is off, jack is wiggling and growling at me (he does this to the cats too)
me: oh, you guys are going down!
n-a-k-e-d jack and josiah run to the bed, tickling ensues
we laugh until it hurts

jack finally gets a diaper

what am i gonna do when they are bigger than me and tag team against me?...i hope there is still tickling and laughing till it hurts...

jackson...

so here's jackson, isn't he sweet? those are the new cells that could prolong his life and help him fight his krabbe's disease. i just want to cry when i see him but i know today is a very hopeful day.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future!"

much love and peace jackson....

www.jacksonwhite.com

just because...

my mom took this one in march...

josiah's family

it's in the trying...

shopping at wal-mart is rarely ever a healing experience for me. it is usually one that is stressful and frustrating but dammit, they have the lowest prices in town. so we accept the experience for what it is and buy an ungodly amount of ice cream to make it through, plus melting ice cream is inspiration enough to shop as fast as you possibly can.

last night however, was much different. i got a call from my dad in the middle of the toothpaste aisle. we were in no rush, jorge was late again so i parked my kids in front of the fish tank and listened for awhile. my dad and i have a complicated relationship that is fraught with lots of misunderstanding and much love. we have never really talked about this before but i guess wal-mart is as good a place as any. i listened to my dad tell me the stories of his childhood, some things i never really knew. i could hear the pain in his voice and also some healing. i was struck by his continued desire to learn and grow, even at 60. we ended exchanging our feelings for one another and some of the anger and bitterness in my heart was melted by my dad's honesty, his desire to try, to give what he has.

i came home, fed the boys and crawled in to bed. my friday routine has ended up getting cozy in my bed with some take-out and the clicker. i just recently became addicted to the show six feet under so i'm catching up on all the old episodes on friday night from 9-11pm est. i love the writing on the show, it's just so good. by friday night of a long week during jorge's busy season i am more than ready to watch someone else's dysfunctional family. it feels so familiar and warm...

the episode last night was about nate's brain surgery. he waited to tell his mom about any of it until 2 days before the surgery. she was so hurt, she internalized until the morning of the surgery.

mom: "what is wrong with me that you didn't tell me?"
nate: "i didn't want to worry you."
mom: "but it's my job to protect you."
nate: "but mom, you can't protect me from this."
mom (crying): "but it's my job to TRY, it's in the trying that a person feels loved, i could have loved you better all these weeks."

i start to cry. it's in the trying, it's in the trying... i could feel my dad's love in a way i have never felt it before. as long as we try, we are expressing our love. i know i will fail my boys, my dad has failed me but i don't doubt his love. we have to keep trying, till we are old, till we die.

where is the love?

we jumped in the car almost an hour late for school this morning. it was cool and sun was shining, a most perfect day. jack had on josiah's hand me downs and looked so cute. there is something about clothing in retrospect, like now that they are hand me downs the oufits go together better. the worn clothes have known happiness, and lots of serious play. it's the history or something, i don't know. but jack looks different in them, he has made them his own and they say something totally different. i love this...

i was feeling a little pensive after a weekend of working on the zine. it is close, very close to being done. so close that you can almost start to believe you might actually finish something you set out to do. not a task like the dishes, or even taking a trip you always imagined. it's more like fulfilling a wish from your soul. it's exhilarating and also a little bit scary. i just kept thinking, "damn, maybe it's too jesusy". this is on my mind because i'm getting phone calls from jen who is on a trip with an old friend from christian college. my, things have changed, and it's hard. i just don't want to be misunderstood, is my heart conveyed? and then it just hits me...misunderstood? i don't even understand myself!

my old faith was so easy. you followed the rules, you did it the best you possibly could. there was lots of guilt and shame but there was also a weird peace and commonness. i loved the peace but hated the guilt. i loved someone understanding my love for my faith but hated the judgment.
so i shed most of it and this new faith, it's so hard. there is so much more grey, sometimes i'm not sure what i believe or what is true. this faith calls me to action, i can't just follow the rules. i question almost everything and sometimes feel more alone but my world is so much deeper. it requires all of me. it's about so much more.

but the busyness of the morning only allows so much contemplation and reflection. it's back to trying to fasten wiggly boys into car seats and making promises of park adventures after school.
i turn on the car and the music is loud. jorge left it on when he went to buy pizza the night before. it's the black-eyed peas, thank you god, a sermon for my weary soul.

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what they see in the cinemaYo',
whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead in spreading love we spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive till love is found
Now ask yourself
Where is the love?

i put all the windows down and sung my heart out on the chippenham parkway.
"josiah, this is the music for our day buddy!"
jack is bobbing his head up and down to the beat. i've heard this song a million times but the blessing was great today. it's okay, i don't have to be understood, i just have to share my soul. i gotta keep my faith alive until love is found.

maybe i don't have to ditch the hand me downs of my faith, maybe i mix them with new clothes to make them my own. maybe i just keep trying them on until they fit, until they are mine...

just call me jim...

carville that is, jorge is mary matlin for sure.

how we are living together during this election year i'll never know. it rattles me to think jorge loves that dude. my husband is such an intelligent man, it just doesn't make sense.

jorge did the bed time routine with josiah last night and ended up falling asleep. he missed most of the debate, and i have to say i am secretly glad. whenever we talk politics, he knows just how to push my buttons and i end up ranting and raving much like james. the dinner conversation was the most i could do. i wore my "war is unhealthy for children and other living things" t-shirt to fuddruckers in richmond, virginia. jorge is used to me now, but i could feel the stares in the room. i don't really look like a hippy (i'm really not) either, it's confusing to people i'm sure.

i kinda like to be controversial from time to time but i must admit i do think of beckey every time i put that t-shirt on. her husband was deployed to both afghanistan and iraq. i also think of nicole, an online friend who's husband is in iraq now. i would never want to hurt either of these women.

it doesn't change the truth of the t-shirt though. war is not healthy, no matter how you dice it. i keep thinking of all the possibilities, thinking somehow it can be justified. human beings killing other human beings. how exactly do you point a gun at someone else and pull the trigger, someone else's dad, brother, son. what are you thinking or do you just not think? maybe you just can't think. life, taking life away from someone, how can you really live after that? doesn't it haunt you? even if you feel you did it for a cause? it is so hard for me to understand...i know it is much more complicated than this, i know people are protecting their families, their religion, their freedom, their own lives, the things they hold dear. i'm sure the evil and pain inspires the passion or the desire to fight, but it still feels so sad, so wrong to me. how did we get here?

i am a young, privileged, white woman in america. there is much i do not understand because i have never experienced the pain and hardship like so many others have in this world. but i want to hold to the ideal that war is not the answer, at least not the first. i want to understand, i want to know more, it pains me to think we are hurting each other.

it's jimmy carter's birthday today. this gives me hope. this man actively pursues peace. his heart is genuine and kind. he serves others in the most unassuming way. and he hasn't stopped, at 80, he hasn't given up. he hasn't become cynical or jaded, he just keeps working. which is so much more important than wearing a t-shirt or arguing politics over a burger. the hope lies in people's action...i wanna be jim, carter that is.