a very tiny lego+ josiah's nose= emergency room visit

we just got back from the hospital. josiah stuck a very small lego piece up his right nostril. while this was quite an ordeal, i kept thinking it was kinda funny. we tried desperately to get it out ourselves with the tweezers but the damn thing just kept going higher and higher.

josiah was getting more upset by the second, we finally told him we had to see a doctor and that sent him over the edge. he said he didn't want to go and just leave the lego there. he kept suggesting other ways to get the lego out, "maybe some water?". he resisted for almost an hour but the minute he got in the car he seemed totally resigned. we dropped jack off at a friend's house and made our way to st. mary's hospital. i told josiah maybe he needed a rescue hero to get the lego out, jorge said his name would be nosy ned. the hospital was very nice and the staff efficient but the lack of respect for josiah was driving me crazy.

"put him up on the table here"
me- "excuse me, what is your name?"
"umm...stephanie"
me- "hi stephanie, this is josiah. josiah, this is stephanie and she is going to help us with your nose problem."

the whole feel in the room instantly changes. stephanie explains everything and treats josiah like a person. we continue to do this with the next 2 nurses and doctor. he was pretty relaxed until it was time to actually get the lego out. it took 4 of us to hold him down. wow, he is strong. i just kept thinking how i am i gonna help him process this? when he was done he heaved a cry of relief and then threw his arms around me and cried hard. i asked him if he was scared and he just shook his head and cried. i told him i could not believe how strong he was. i was proud he fought so hard, i knew it made it harder but he did what felt right to him and fought with all his little heart. this child is SO compliant on a day to day basis and it made me feel so good to know he has this in him. we just kept telling him how brave and strong he was and by the time we left we were cracking jokes.

"hey josiah, wanna go home and play legos, we can put one in our nose."
he laughs really hard, "no way jose" he replies. jorge, josiah and i play this game the entire way home. 

man, i totally thought the first hospital visit would be a broken arm or something...i told josiah he has a story to tell now. "i was brave mama.", he said. "you were buddy, you really were."

 

i'm rejected

so like in the 8th grade, i was in a very cheesy church play where i had to sing this very emotional ballad,
"i'm accepted, i'm accepted by the one who matters most."
the character in the play was struggling with insecurity among her peers (obviously from the song)

my dear friend george (god rest his soul) thought it was hysterical and continuously sang (at the top of his lungs) to me, "i'm rejected, i'm rejected..."

i went to take my car in to get inspected. mind you, the inspection is 7 MONTHS past due and my poor 2003 xterra got rejected. they put a big hot pink rejected sticker in my window. the worst part is it's my fault from a small fender bender over a year ago. one teeny, tiny little light in the front left side is cracked and big blue gets the ole' rejecto sticker. the work will cost us $500. this is money we do not have...fuck the state of virginia!

so in honor  of george boone, i sang "i'm rejected" the entire way home in a weak attempt to cheer myself up. george could always make me smile. i know george, jesus and jim morrison (his favorite) were singing with me in heaven.

hairy bottoms and hope...

so while helping a three year old in the bathroom today she busts out with, "you know, my mom has hair on her bottom." (very matter of factly)
while biting my lower lip as not to laugh i say, "yeah, i guess some mom's have hairy bottoms."
she goes on, "but my dad, his hair is falling out on the top of his head."
"yep, that happens too. i think it's kinda handsome."
"me too." she replies.
 
ohhh...i needed this commentary. the brutal honesty of a three year old, there's nothing like it. she hopped off the step after washing her hands with her dress bunched up in the back of her little white panty hose. i quickly fixed her dress as she walked out of the bathroom.
 
these are my people. this is my call. this is my hope.
 
the hope…where is the hope in hairy bottoms you ask ? … I mean kids are the same everywhere, even sick kids. some kid in a hospital room somewhere still thinks farts are funny. some other kid is telling the nurse embarrassing information about his parents while she checks his blood pressure. some kid has reached a new level of super mario crash brothers due to hours of sitting in a bed instead of on the floor of the living room. sam is still sam…and this gives me hope. while this will dramatically affect his life and shape the person he is, there are still things about childhood that will always be the same.
 
jesus, may everyone that meets sam remember this. may they honor his childhood, embrace five year old humor, be gentle with his heart and respect his little soul. 
  
 

sam

i woke up early yesterday and started my daily routine of surfing the blogs. i went to a favorite blog expecting to read the usual and felt a huge lump in my throat grow as i read. rudy's son sam had an unexplained fever for a week, turns out it's leukemia. sam is five years old. *big sigh*
i've never even met this family, but i am so, so sad. i call my sister who is a friend of rudy's- she starts to cry. we have to do something, anything, what can we do...this is my family culture. jen immediately posts on her very big blog and sets up a paypal acct. for this family. they run a school for inner city kids in l.a., i'm guessing they could really use the cash.
 
josiah wakes up and asks what's going on...
 
" i have a friend who's name is sam and he's really sick in the hospital."
"is he a big boy like jared (josiah's pre-teen cousin)?"
"no buddy, he's a little boy like you."
"like me mama?"
"yeah, he has to have a lot of shots, it's a really hard time."
"oh mama, it's gonna be a long week."
"yeah, i think so, i feel sad ya know?"
"he's not by himself mama, jesus is with him."
"that's true."
"talk it mama, talk it right now mama, to jesus."
"you wanna ask jesus to help sam?"
"yeah mama,  you say it okay?"
 
so we prayed. i asked josiah if he thought there was anything we could do for sam. he suggested legos so we went to target to put a box together. we walked the aisles and josiah was deep in thought about what would be good for sam while kinda struggling over the fact that there would be nothing for him on this target trip. all i could think about was how everything has changed for rudy, kafi and sam. they can't go back, they didn't choose this, it just happened. yesterday their little boy just had a fever and today sam could be battling for his little life.
 
i can't really get out of this funk, i feel so bad. everything else seems so small. it feels wrong to go on with regular life when someone else is watching his little boy have a spinal tap, bone marrow biopsy and a pic line put in. i just can't imagine... and i was just complaining about having to play kitty-cat for the last four years. all is well in my world, my kid doesn't have cancer.
 
before i became a teacher i had aspirations of becoming a child life specialist (kinda a play therapist for hospital kids) but there were very few programs at the time. all the universities were too far away so i opted to go local and become a teacher. i can not imagine being a cls now, especially after having kids. when i interned in high school most of the cls's were young professionals- without families yet. the thing is, i know i could have done it and done it well. part of me still wonders if this isn't something in my future. in times like this i am drawn towards that work. i know what to do but it just feels so much more personal when it's someone you know, even if you only know them on the internet. not to mention the fact that you have your own four year old sitting across from you at the dinner table every night. sweet, sweet sam...
 
so today we will make cards, and prepare a box. in the end it's a selfish good deed- our intense need to do something to ease our own sadness and pain while we pass down the family culture of comfort and care during hard times. sam is still sick in his bed and rudy will carry a burden no father should have to carry. but like josiah said, "he's not by himself mama, jesus is with him."
please be with them jesus, please come.

 
 

frodo, power, and kids

*spoiler to lotr- caution if you haven't seen return of the king

so i admit we finally caught up with the rest of the world and watched 8 hours of the lotr trilogy yesterday. this required LOTS of ignoring our children, consuming an ungodly amount of potato chips and it resulted in much contemplation about power. in honor of dave lemen (my bil) we watched the extended versions, of course.

so i thought aragon was dreamy, sam was pure gold and frodo- ughh... i was disappointed. i so wanted him to make the choice to let go of the ring, not fight gollum and accidentally fall off the ledge. i expected the inner struggle but i was hoping with sam's encouragement he could have done it on his own. to me this would have been the ultimate ending. even a pure soul like frodo, facing the pressure of incredible power just couldn't let go in the end. i know it signifies just how powerful the ring was, how heavy the burden was and how human we all are but i so want to believe that if we share both power and the burden we can overcome anything, even the worst evil. they did need each other, frodo couldn't have done it alone but in the moment he was alone- it was his decision. could it be that deep in my heart i relate most to frodo? i like to think i would have been brave and offered to take the ring, but then in the midst of adversity i'd be weeping and offer the ring to anyone who would take it. even worse, i don't know that i would be able to resist the ring's power. and while i sometimes crave power, when i have it i am often unsure what to do with it or i know exactly what to do but am afraid to use it. unless of course, i think everyone around me will be pleased with how i use it, but who really has the power then?

the whole idea just feels wrong. the word power itself holds a negative connotation for me- not sure why...i think it touches a nerve with me because so much of my life is spent with children. i see people everyday abuse their power with children. we are bigger, stronger and we think smarter than the youngest people in this world. our job is to guide and empower children but so often we try to control and break the spirits of kids that exhibit certain strengths that we deem unacceptable. the power of persuasion, persistence, and the fire of minds that require more than a simple explanation, the need to explore and experience alone- all the things that make us crazy as parents. we give the stare, loud exasperated sighs, maybe even yell or hit- we show our power. i've done it, sometimes i just want them to comply. guiding and empowering requires too much energy from my tired mother mind and body. but then there is sam and frodo, while i'm sure my kids won't be saving all of mankind but
will josiah need to defend the little kid on the playground ?
will jack need to challenge or question a teacher?
will my boys someday feel passion for causes that help change our world?

god i hope so, and i pray there many aragons, gandolphs, and sams to lend their power, to believe in them, to carry them, to love them. maybe in the end frodo was the only one that could have even carried the ring to the mountain. maybe the smaller, weaker and simple hearts are the ones that carry the strength, courage, and power in the end...

i heart mojitos!

my brother in law made me a wicked mojito today.
it could possibly be the best beverage on the planet!

george bernard shaw

"we don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing."

in-laws, miraculous post-its and coming home again

i'm still on california time, and very wired due to my 4th diet coke today. i can't even believe i am admitting to even drinking diet coke, much less four in one day. this is after years of soapboxing about the dangers of artificial sweeteners and giving up caffeine and sodas for several years.

the only possible explanation is being on an airplane with 2 small children for 6 hours and traveling a total of 12 hours today. i am physically exhausted but happy in my heart. it was a good trip on so many levels. i would have to say a little healing too.

after obsessing over an awful haircut on tuesday and staying up all night getting ready to leave, i was exhausted by wednesday morning. i busted my ass so we could go to a birthday party on wednesday morning at my friend jenna's house. i was so glad i went, jenna has a way of making everyone feel so welcomed. after listening to my hair dilemma, she offered to fix it for me (she's a stylist)- right during her daughter's third birthday party. it was like jesus himself was cutting my hair. i was so overwhelmed by her kindness. i finally felt ready to leave.

after a night at a hotel in norfolk which josiah thought was "beautiful", we were off to the airport. i was hoping we could snag a seat for jack in a not-so-full flight but no such luck. after 45 minutes of a 5 hour flight, i had gone through my entire surprise bag of tricks. i remembered i had one of those post-it flag packs. the kind you use to mark papers or pages in catalogs. the beauty of the little flags is that when you pull one out another pops up. this is a toddler's dream activity. i figured there are only 20 in the pack so this activity would be over real quick. i swear it was like jesus feeding the 5000, the flags just kept popping up. jack was occupied for another half hour, and much to the relief of the man sitting in front of us.

at one point in the last hour of the flight, jorge and i just started tickling both of them like crazy. when they started getting really loud i suggested maybe we should stop when jorge said, "babe, there are worse things in the world than hearing kids laugh." i agreed and kept tickling. both of jorge's sisters greeted us at the airport with smiles bigger than i have ever seen. after much family drama (with jorge's mom) the last few years, we desperately needed a time of bonding and i could just tell it was going to be a good trip.

the days were spent lounging, eating, and of course legoland. it has to be the only theme park i have ever been to that was designed for children under the age of five. we could have spent a year there, even the over priced food was good- somewhat healthy i should add.

i had no real agenda other than hanging out with jorge's family. it felt like family, so many times before i have felt so out of place, not really accepted. it was emotionally exhausting for me and i usually always ended up feeling pissy and controlled. jorge and i are in a whole different place now, we are so bonded, we are our own family. letting go of resentment sets a heart free...somehow i could let go- not analyze every conversation, i just enjoyed their company. i felt proud for them to experience my kids and they enjoyed them. josiah has such a strong sense of family and immediately took to the fact that he had cousins, tia's and tio's. the girls even watched our kids so j and i could sleep all day one day. they were so nurturing and warm, i felt taken care of and loved.

jack wanted nothing to do with lauren (his cousin who is 1 that we met for the first time), i think he is used to being the youngest. she was great, she was unfazed by his dismissing behavior and kept playing while occasionally trying to connect. he finally recognized her presence by the end of the trip. that jackie-boy...

jorge had his panties all in a wad over Fahrenheit 9/11. he went with our 13 year old nephew sean. the movie was sean's pick- i was seriously impressed by his choice. i still have yet to see it but by judging jorge's reaction, i'd have to guess there was plenty in the movie that was causing him to question himself and his beloved president. i was just thrilled to be in the company of a house full of democrats- j was so outnumbered, he didn't know what to do. ;)

so now we are back, broke as a joke and happy to be in our own beds. i need to hibernate in my cave (i.e. purple bedroom) for a few days and then this will complete our great vacation. these are happy days...