baby girl...

so after allowing the news that we are having a girl to soak in a bit my mind is swirling with thoughts. i find it funny that we both were so shocked. jorge kept saying, "i just thought we have boys in our family...". like the possibility never crossed his mind, silly boy.

and yet every day that passes, this baby girl weaves her way into our hearts and family, like she's always been there. like we desperately needed her but we never realized it. she completes us and she isn't even born. the brothers seem tighter than ever, they have been playing fabulously together lately. god knows they might be fighting like cats and dogs next week but for today they give each other sloppy kisses and tight hugs and then say, "ewwww...." and laugh at each other. all i can think is that their friendship is exactly as it should be.

i keep having these feelings of mothern concern and protectiveness in a way i haven't felt before. not so much because of her gender but because she is my baby, my youngest. this is strange and new for me. i delight in her, but i don't know her yet. i can imagine what she might look like and guess about her little personality, but none of this matters exactly because she just fits.

her name is a constant discussion. josiah was dead set on lucy for quite sometime until last night when he suggested stella. i've been voting for deeply meaningful cool names like peace and trinity. everyone looks at me like i can't be serious. jorge likes more classic names with a slightly masculine edge and jack thinks "mama" is a good name. i suspect i will be the one compromising here...
part of me really wants her to have a name soon. it just connects me and makes her identity all the more real. like we are welcoming someone we already know but are dying to meet.

i pray she feels the same way about us...

thank you's....

did you ever get a thank you note that you felt like you should write a thank you back for the thank you? oh...i just got the sweetest, most gentle, kindred spirit kind from someone i barely know.

these sorts of experiences bond me to people. it was such a nothing little care package i sent- i just kept thinking, "i hope this is all okay." and then it was more than okay. my heart feels full, i want to cry. i feel so blessed and touched to meet people people in pain or hard times. the thank you seems just wrong. when people allow you to be part of their lives during hard times, i don't know, it just means so much to me. like such a gift, especially when you really get each other. god, if i could live every day of my life taking meals, preparing care packages, and hearing people's hearts and souls- *sigh*- i learn so much from friends like these- i just don't know why i don't do it more. what holds me back? i think of people all the time and never pick up the phone. i wonder how they are doing or know something major is going on- i wonder how it went but i rarely act on these thoughts.

or i just know someone needs something i have to give but i get too busy, preoccupied, or distracted. it keeps me from such joy and fullness in my heart. some days i just want to forget my faith and live my life - forget it all, and just live everyday without the questions, the things that cause me angst, and just do these things that make me so happy. that is what feels real...just love...

so here's the quote on the cover of the thank you card- (it was from one of my most favorite childhood books...)

"real isn't how you are made. it's a thing that happens to you. when a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with but REALLY loves you, then you become real...it doesn't happen all at once. you become. it takes a long time. that's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. generally, by the time you are real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and get loose in the joints and very shabby. but these things don't matter at all, because once you are real you can't be ugly, except to people that don't understand."

-explained the skin horse to the velveteen rabbit-

we have to love each other...there are so many more i need to love.....