opa is very smart...

we just returned from a week of cuban food (lots of it), lounging around, a night at the fair and spending time with my parents.

i haven't been to my childhood home in a few years now, my parents just keep traveling here on holidays so it's been awhile. i wasn't really prepared to go there. the house hasn't really changed, but the walls know such history and just being there made me feel nostalgic.

i started thinking about my mother and how she cried everytime we were leaving after a visit with my grandparents. she wasn't sure she'd see them again, in that house, that one she grew up in. it was like 15 years she cried like that...it seemed a little silly at the time but now i totally understand. it isn't that i think they will die anytime soon, it's just that being there reminded me that they will die someday.

the sweet look on their faces as we drove away, i etched it deep in my mind- like those moments in time that you never want to forget because they seem to encompass all the love you feel for each other.

even sweeter, is realizing your kids have their own relationship with your parents. my parents are REALLY good grandparents, they know how to play with little children. they are kind and patient, and delight in them fully. josiah was so taken with my dad, it was healing for me to watch them together. like whatever our relationship lacked is being made up in the expression of love on my children. i could see through watching them together how he has always felt about me, whether he was always there to express it or not. it's taken me a long time to see this.

my boys relished in the gentle instruction of their opa. "mama, you know opa is very smart." josiah said as we left. "he knows about all kind of stuff."

i just felt wise in the knowledge of his love. the love of both my parents...their deep desire to love us the best they knew how and with everything they are. this transcends any mistakes they might have made. i understand it more and more as i go along in my parenting. i hope my kids know someday, despite screwing them up, how deeply i love them...

the contender

i will have to admit, i really love reality (or not that real) television. my dear husband, not so much, but he dutifully tivo's things for me as an act of pure love. surprisingly, he was very interested in watching the contender and of course it took very little convincing for me to add yet another show to my repertoire.

what strikes me about this show is the women and their strength. it seems most of the men that were in serious relationships drew strength from these very supportive women.

jorge and i laughed tonight as the young achmed was not humbled (in his mind) by his loss. his girlfriend however, looked less than thrilled. all i could imagine was kelly preston in jerry maguire, "you're not a loser!". that dude is so dumped...

but when that woman in the interview said that supporting and believing in each other no matter what is just being part of a team, i cried like a baby. i so want to be a team in my marriage, i so hope those men are supporting those women when it's their turn to fight. whatever their fight may be.

today, i feel like i am fighting my mind. my worry, the unrest in my heart about this pregnancy. i really can't tell why i feel this way, other than to say that i am probably royally fucked up in the head. i think i'm have flashbacks, the last time i traveled this early in a pregnancy i had a miscarriage scare. i moved up my midwife appointment to ease my mind. i guess i am my own contender tonight....

mean girls

so jorge and i saw mean girls a few weeks ago and then jen and i watched it together last saturday. i really thought that stuff just happened in high school but after this week of playgroup drama and the live journal fiasco i have witnessed a new level of mean-ness.

it's amazing to me how women can be so incredibly supportive and at other times be so hurtful. i gotta say, as a girl, i have thought mean, snarky thoughts. i've had strong opinions in my head, those of self-righteousness and judgment. and then the second i get to know that person better or see a vulnerable side, i feel horrible. like such a jerk. but maybe that is part of the problem. it's hard to be vulnerable, it's our humanness that will connect us in the end. but to be really human we must open ourselves up, and who knows which mean girls are lurking in the shadows.

so the burn book came out, and it was so much worse than anyone could have imagined. the community and support starts to feel like a lie. there is no trust and barely a hope that anything left can be revived. everybody kinda looks at each other wondering where do we go from here? and whether they can admit it or not, it's high school all over again, which ever side you were on. only there is no adult to come in and do silly exercises with you to show you the error of your ways. people are purely reacting- the knee jerk kind.

so eventually after some time, it goes back to the vulnerability. it's the only thing that can save you in the end. someone will say how they really felt when all this happened, how it hurt their heart, maybe even their soul. the humanness breaks open once again and allows the ointment of forgiveness to do it's healing. i hope it doesn't take too long...