josiah and flipper 

dave lemen rocks! 

soul sisters unite!!!!!

so sorry to all three of you who read my secret blog that i seem to have gone missing. i have been completely and utterly obsessed with the organization of the zine (even to the point of having a knock down drag out over gmail vs. excel- so silly, i know).

but.....our zine is finally done!
for those of you that don't know my sister jen and i wrote a zine about christmas. technically, it's more of a book (75 pages). i have to say the collaboration amazed me. jen and i were like kim and ron from kim possible. (it's sad when your analogies come to the lastest cartoon.) but i think this might be the thing that has touched me the most. we work REALLY well together. the content flowed and so did the laughter. and just when it gets tense or weird, someone says how they feel to lift the conflict to a place where it can be worked out. i have felt deeply loved by jen through this whole process. good stuff...

we launched the website on thursday and by sunday we sold around hundred zines. in the middle of this madness i simply forgot to tell you all that this monumental experience happened. so very sorry, please don't feel like the redheaded stepchild, mkay?

so here is the link in all her glory-

http:www.soulsistersunite.com

hope you love it so much you just want to eat it up! hope it inspires you, hope it makes you laugh, hope it makes you cry, hope it is better than Cats.....or at least good bathroom reading!

much love and many thanks for your support!

your friend,
pache

mp3 madness...

is it wrong to buy your 4 year old and his 2 year old brother an mp3 player? jorge brought me home one the other night as i have been eyeing his for quite some time now. josiah and jack became obsessed and have been fighting over mine ever since. i took jack to big lots, (shopping isn't one of his favorites) where he shopped the entire hour listening to the black eyed peas and trying to sing (i might add loudly) "let's get it started in here". his favorite part being the end- ya,ya,ya,ya,ya,ya,ya,yaaaaaa.

my crazy kids! i have to say this is the direct genetic influence of their father who is still and i guess always will be very hip when it comes to music and pop culture.

live peaceably with all...

i was so down after the elections. all i could think was "how could this happen?". it all came down to "moral values". like war and preventing 2 people who love each other from marrying is moral? i know it sounds melodramatic but i was so sad that so many are against gay marriage. i just don't get it. it felt almost surreal like i'm in a time warp, like 1950. i pray my children in 20 years are horrified by the thought that we as a people were against basic civil liberties the same way we can't possibly understand the civil rights movement of the 50's and 60's for black americans. i'm just afraid we won't progress far enough by then. i am just saddened by it all. when will we all finally be accepted?

i must admit that i carry lots of issues about the religious right and the president, i tend to be a little harsh at times. i came from the religious right so i know i am much more free with my judgment on that particular group. then jorge and i had that difficult discussion, the one that exposed our different value systems. the can of worms was opened, and i can't really go back. it's hard when you face some real differences with someone you love deeply. the kind you know deep in your heart are there but you choose to not directly acknowledge because this love is messy. it requires your love to dig deeper and be stretched in a painful way. honesty is hard.

in the middle of all of this the zine was finally done. it was hard for me to celebrate, i just kept thinking, "how is this little zine going to change the world, it's just a silly little thing about christmas." i was really down...

jorge left for a business trip on thursday, we said goodbye but there was still so much angst
in my heart. i completely forgot about the taize service at church. i was asked to read scripture like a month ago. i was shuffling through the papers piled on my counter trying to find the information. we were late as usual, i had to drop the boys off before i went so i never even looked at the scripture until i got there. i entered the tiny chapel only lit with what felt like hundreds of candles, the church was built in 1852. it felt like holy ground, like a place where so many have laid their burdens. there was a call to worship and then a very meditative song and then i read. i started to read and said a little prayer i wouldn't cry.

"Let your love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold on to what is good.
Love each other deeply. Honor others more than yourselves.
Never let the fire in your heart go out. Keep it alive. Serve the Lord.
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.
Bless those who hurt you. Bless them, and do not curse them.
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
Live in peace with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly.
Don't be proud.
Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all."

there were more songs, more scripture. the next scripture was about justice and more peace. i felt the undoing of my soul. i was being called to love the people who i really don't want to. the people i want to reject, the people who i think are so wrong. and then i started thinking about my job. i always feel so displaced, so proud. these aren't "my people", this is just my job.
what if they are? what if this is my call? part of me has been so rejecting of the idea because i have been seeking permanence. after talking with my mom, i realized maybe this is one stop on my journey. it is a journey afterall...don't we get stuck when we aren't willing to keep moving, keep learning, keep growing? i have hated church and all it represents for so many, i thought i left that place for good but i once again find myself in that little chapel with the candles, weeping, realizing i am being called to place my burdens and embrace these people and this place, if only for awhile. but it isn't just the church, it's my country. how can we change minds and hearts if we don't love? i don't know how exactly to even begin. i guess it is baby steps, and so far as it depends on me, living peaceably with all..

a brief history of taize

taize refers to an ecumenical community begun by brother roger in 1940 in a semi-abandoned village in burgandy, france. today tens of thousands of people visit the community each year to spend a week going to the roots of the christian faith. their worship is extremely calm, peaceful, meditative combination of prayer, silence, scripture reading and repetitive chant-like songs.

from a happier day... 

a solemn vow...

jorge and i were up into 1 am deeply involved in a nasty argument. we really do not discuss politics, we haven't for years. everytime we start to it quickly heads south and we agree to not go there. we have survived our political differences through humor, lots of it and jon stewart. i swear to god, the man has helped keep my political marriage together.

so yesterday was a bad day. i didn't feel bitter and angry, just really sad. jorge was trying to respectfully keep his cheerfulness to a minimum around me but i must say by 11pm we were both too tired to use even humor. so i walked down that road (you know the one that always ends up by the river) and drug him with me. he really didn't want to go, but i had to go, it's been so long. i wasn't sorry we talked about it, i guess i was hoping something had changed but it really hasn't.
at one point, the conversation turned personal, "if you want things to change YOU have to do it, not some asshole in washington." the accusation that i am not do anything stung and angered me but secretly i knew he was right.
not that i'm not doing anything, but lately i have been feeling like i am not doing enough. and i certainly was not practicing the tolerance and peace that i have been soapboxing about. we are just so far on some things, it's hard for me to see how we can come together. i guess that is what our country is facing today too. i don't feel like uniting, i feel disappointed but i hope i can figure it out. i hope i can get my head around it.

so we renewed our solemn vow to not discuss politics, to watch some jon stewart, to laugh. it is far from understanding each other but for now i think it is the peace we can do. and whether we agree or not, i am convicted again, pushing me to action. for that, i am grateful to be married to jorge, even if he does occasionally remind me of the other george.

undecided...

it didn't really feel like a november morning. the air was warm and you could feel the excitement all around, even before we got to the polls. we moved a year ago to our little green house and this is the first time we have voted at our little school precinct.

there's been lots of talk about this school as josiah is getting closer and closer to kindergarten. we live in an old richmond neighborhood with lots of elderly people whose homes are now their havens. it's been a long time since the joy of children playing has filled the street, since they had trick or treaters, or since the lawns have been littered with bikes and balls. the trees are so tall and they are finally shedding their leaves like they have done so many years before. this quiet little street is changing like the leaves. the ghetto isn't far now, sometimes we hear gunshots late at night, i know the old people are afraid.

so naturally, we are concerned about this little school that could be josiah's. i've never even been there so i'm anxious to learn more about our community, to mingle with the neighbors i don't know, to see the school, to contribute to the place where i live.

we drove down the road with our windows down, i love this place, i love how it feels. i just can't do suburbia, i love a place with history, i love a place where people are buying their first home, where people have lived for 50 years, a place where someone can see hope when others just don't. i always feel dreamy during fall anyway, i don't know why. maybe it's because i grew up in a seasonless place and i always secretly hoped i would live where the leaves change. this just doesn't feel like the ghetto, it feels hopeful.

josiah and i chatted about our day, and made our way to the school. there didn't seem to be too many cars so i didn't think it would take too long. an old african american woman greeted us as we walked up, she placed a sticker right on my left breast and said, "oh honey, you vote for john kerry now dear." i smiled and told her i would. we passed a long line of others handing us papers and asking for our vote. we entered to find a very long line, lots of older people, and young women, predominately african american. i am explaining the process to josiah as we get into the line. he's seems interested and asks lots of questions. before long my boys are entertaining the people in the line with their questions and games. the people look tired but content to fulfill their civic duty. everyone is chatting, discussing the turnout, and i am struck by the patience and sense of community.
i remembered the last time i voted, we lived in a nicer area. there were 15 booths, you were in and out in about 5 minutes. this school had 4 booths, all from 1950. they were the kind that have the big red lever that open and closes the curtain while it punches your vote. everything is slower, not as fancy and the people don't seem to know the difference. it almost represents the differences in the ways the people live their lives, the opportunities they have, what they have to offer their children. i look at the pictures of the kids on the wall. i just start thinking about josiah and his future. it feels wrong not to invest our time and energy in this place where we live, in the kids, not just our own. but part of me knows that this might be at the expense of josiah. but am i just teaching a different value? that maybe we work towards bettering a community for all? i think about josiah being a minority. i wonder if we would be received into another culture. one that has been wounded by my race, one that still isn't integrated in our shared community. my heart starts to feel heavy, i feel very conflicted and kinda sad.

and then i glance up to see the old ladies smiling at my boys, talking about their own grandchildren, telling stories.
i casually ask josiah who he would vote for, "george bush or john kerry?"
"i just don't know mama."
"so you are undecided?" the whole line of people starts to laugh.
we go in the tiny gray booth, jack, josiah and i. i vote and the boys proudly hold their hands out to receive the "i voted" stickers. the same line of volunteers we passed when we came in thank us as we walk out.
"i hope my guys wins."
"me too mama."

i get in my car and call jorge.
"babe, i didn't think the school looked that bad. the neighborhood was so great." says jorge.
i smile and drive away, are we being called to this place? i don't know. but everything in my life seems to be calling me to more...