Tuesday, June 29, 2004

spontaneous parade

so yesterday in the middle of cleaning a very messy house I broke out in congo-line beat-

"we're go-in on va-ca-tion, we're go-in on va-ca-tion!"

josiah is loving this and says we have to get the drums, maracas and tambourine out. so jackie-boy, josiah and i had a celebratory pre-vacation parade, it was very fun. i was having so much fun when josiah said to me, "mom, i think that's enough."

we leave for california and are bound for legoland, jorge's family and perfect weather. say a prayer it's a good vacation. after 3 vacations i have finally figured out that they aren't for resting and relaxing. and while i am philosophically against drugging children for plane rides, i have entertained the thought for jack as i have absolutely NO idea how he will sit on our laps for a 4 hour flight. he is so active!

off to keep cleaning and in honor of ginny hammond, go through my papers!

Monday, June 28, 2004

body obsession

i have recently become totally obsessed with my body. not in a Mary Kate Olsen sort of way but you can imagine. this is the girl who never wears make-up, my hair continually in a pony tail and throws on the t-shirt laying on the floor along with my favorite pair of faded blue jeans. flip-flops are not only a girl’s best friend, they are a way of life.

jorge gets obsessed with getting fit two times a year, it usually lasts around 2 months and then a lapse until the next time. i figure it’s better to keep trying even if it doesn’t always last than doing nothing at all. it’s kinda like when you go to camp or a retreat when you are in jr. high and it’s super emotional (imagine me mockingly singing a chorus of- “we are standing for jesus”), you have changed your life forever, you are fired up, into it…. and then like a month later it’s back to the jr. high drama. but you really meant it man, you felt it, you wanna change…each time i did take a little something and over time it added up for me so I guess all the actions didn’t matter as much as my heart wanting it. my heart kept me going back.

But my spiritual life and my physical well being are two totally different things, well sort of. i mean my commitment to ice cream and laying on the couch watching movies has been very spiritual at certain points in my life. :) i’m tryin’ to say that reflecting and pondering my spiritual journey are deeply ingrained in me, treadmills and the weight bench are not. poor body image, however, is definitely in the top ten of my daily thoughts. i have always been tall and somewhat thin, worked out sporadically like jorge, but have never had a passion for it.

we started working out in january together, my original goal was to become a milf, something my husband told me i already was but you know with the poor body image and everything, yada, yada, yada. i found myself not really enjoying it in the beginning but not hating it either. jorge’s extra weight was flying off, and i was still elipiticalling my ass off – not literally. not much physical change in the first few weeks, this was unusual for me. in the past i would work out for like 2 seconds and my body would tighten right up. i blame it ( i mean celebrate) on birthing my 2 amazing kids. for some strange reason i kept going, six months later i’m 20 lbs. lighter and more than on my way to a six pack. fitter than ever, but i busted my ass to get here- 5-6 days a week, cardio, weights, the whole enchilada.

i find myself looking into tanning salons, buying new clothes, shaving my legs more, buying those silly teeth whitening kits, critiquing celebrities and reading fitness magazines. this disturbs me a little- don’t get me wrong, i needed to step it up a notch (or 2 or 3) in taking care of my body. what bugs me is how i still have that nagging body image issue, i’m still so critical. i’m very proud of my hard work this time but i still constantly play the comparison game in my head. i have no idea what it will take for me to think i am the shit. it feels so shallow and silly. i don’t really know how to solve this problem but it feels good to get it out of my head and on paper. okay, now I really sound like a jr. high girl…maybe I just need to go to a summer camp (or maybe like 10) for body acceptance…

Saturday, June 26, 2004

my crunchy bubble

ya know there are just some times when you realize you have been living in a bubble. the first time for me was when i left my christian private school and went to college- it wasn't good or bad for me, just different and it wouldn't be until later in my life that i even cared. there have been several more experiences since then that have stretched my thinking and have helped to shape a new way of viewing my life and others. The thing is, these experiences have always seemed to go from conservative to more liberal in nature, not the other way around. It seems in all my recent enlightenment I have created my own crunchy bubble. Oh, i love my bubble, dude, I LOVE IT! i love how free i feel- it's a big bubble you know. i've been hibernating for so long i forgot what the world is like outside my bubble.

i work at a united methodist church in an affluent area of conservative richmond, this is life outside my postmodern, attachment parenting, liberal-loving bubble. i attended a party for a parent of one of the kids in my program last night. in a casual girl conversation about how fancy birth control has become i stated how i still don't have a period because i'm nursing my son. (he’s 18 months) i'm thinking, "how fantastic! - kinda proud of my body has gone this long and that i don't have to deal with pms." it never crossed my mind that my extended nursing would be so controversial. in my world, 18 months is nothing...it literally stopped all conversation dead in it's tracks- very awkward silence. now part of me kind of enjoyed being so shocking (although i was equally as shocked at the reaction), but it really was getting kind of weird so i was a little relieved when the conversation went on to something else. later on in the evening someone cracked a joke that i might be nursing my second grader. i was thrilled for the sarcasm and said, "na, i think i'll wean him when he goes to college." we laughed, and i felt much better.

the funny thing is...i really like these people. i really do, we are so opposite and i still like them. i'm sure you have no idea how good this really is. i could not have left my bubble just two years ago and felt this way. i would have been all pissy and judgemental after a night like that, wondering why i even went to the party in the first place- then I would contemplate whether or not i should keep working in a place that holds such different values than my own. and the drama in my head would continue…i sort of crave it from time to time. this time i felt so peaceful. these women have befriended me, i can tell they really like me but aren’t quite sure what to do with me. i feel so secure in my parenting decisions, i have no need to defend them or even explain…they just are what they are. and my heart is drawn to these parents and their kids. i want to minister to them, to encourage them, to be part of their spiritual journeys. it’s just funny that a girl like me is in a place like that. while i will be happily skipping back to my bubble (seems i traded one for another), i’m finding that maybe just maybe i can take trips outside and discover there is beauty in that very strange world.

Friday, June 25, 2004

thoughts from a birth junkie...

I was just reading a discussion (from an old community I used to visit) about a woman who recently gave birth. This woman had been very vocal about her opinions regarding natural birth and the medical community. Sadly, her homebirth turned into a hospital transfer and then a c-section. Ughh…I’ve seen it more times than I’d like to count. Why is it that these particular women always have these difficult births? The people that it matters most to. In my younger years I was one of those soapbox birthers. While my dogma wasn’t nearly as caustic, I thought many of the same things she had the guts to actually say. Then I had Jack- which changed everything. I was so humbled, it was so hard. I had no idea what other women had possibly gone through, before I just thought I was stronger, better prepared, more informed. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Birth is unpredictable to it’s very core. Whenever we carry agendas into birth we run the risk of being blinded to the lesson birth might have for us. The only thing worse is being robbed of the lesson by someone else. Sometimes it’s just too much, too much pain, too much disappointment, too much sadness to receive the lesson in the moment. Time and reflection are powerful healers.

I realized how you birth matters, not in the natural, c-section way but in the heart, mind, body way. It isn’t about what interventions you did or didn’t have, it’s about how you feel about your birth experience. It’s about getting to make the choices you want, it’s about feeling supported and loved no matter what you choose and how you choose to do it. Ignorance might be bliss but it is also a choice. I know lots of women who were very happy with that particular choice. While it isn’t one that I feel is always the most fulfilling, some women aren’t looking to be fulfilled or stretched.

I guess it gets sticky when we aren’t able to own our choices due to our care giver or a lack of advocacy on our behalf, or even just because of the unpredictability of the birth itself. I’m not sure I have any answers to solve these problems because so many of them lie in the system and our society, but I do know this, birth is major. No matter what choice we make, it affects us, sometimes a hell of a lot deeper than we care to go…but we must try…even if it’s hard.


to be continued...

Thursday, June 24, 2004

overheard

inspector gadget (josiah) having a conversation with a rescue hero (billy blazes)
on one of our many toy cell phones (this is due to jorge's cell phone addiction)

apparently inspector gadget and billy blazes are allies and good friends...

blessing ways and blogging...

Oh boy it's been so long since i had a journal. In the past I have just been incapable of not becoming obsessed. I no longer have enough time but would love to have a place to put my thoughts about my boys, my work, my spiritual journey, my friendship with jorge- my intensity needs an outlet and my writing needs work. We'll try this out...

Well, I have been attending lots of blessing ways lately. Everytime I turn around someone is pregnant. I totally dig the blessing way thing. It makes me wish we had them at other times in our lives besides giving birth. I mean, who couldn't use a blessing right? There are so many other times when we as women need to gather around other women and bestow blessings of empowerment, hope and truth. Especially the truths that you can't see in yourself or need spoken by someone else. To know other people love you and believe in you. I long for an opportunity to create this experience outside the traditional blessing way- i can think of two women right now that could really use the encouragement. how can i do this? maybe a call to celebrate these particular women? - ideas- a backyard gathering on a warm summer night
yummy food
glasses of wine
foot washing- some sort of massage- maybe pedicures?
some sort of art- watercolors?

I think I'll do this- start something new~

My little group of friends totally rocks at giving a spoken blessing- I have to say I never imagined I would find this in Richmond, Virginia but they are here. and for all their corkiness and craziness they are a dear bunch of women. I am grateful for their friendship and kindness (even if it includes occasional drama- something I am getting good at avoiding).

okay- enough for today. I still have a pickle party to finish getting ready for the kids tonight(for work). They are making pickle people with big Kosher dill pickles and various art supplies.
A pickle spitting contest
Fishing pickles out a bin filled with water using only their feet
Various relays involving pickles
it should be really fun!

more later...

pache

Stream of consciousness on Jackie-boy

Stream of consciousness on Jackie-boy

Jack has this very Neo-esque way about him. Like he holds this inner wisdom that he shares on very rare and special occasions. It makes a mother wonder what he is thinking constantly. His eyes are fearless and his heart explodes with the need for adventure. He is rarely bothered but has no problem expressing his discontent should the need arise. His smile can melt you like a super power, it’s so strong you instantly forget why you were mad at whatever mischief he seemed to have gotten into. His hug is genuine and kind. My arms wrap around his slender frame while his body rests on my chest. He gives all of himself over for me to hold, total surrender and peace. I envy the person he is. He is so much of what I want to be and am not. He is still a little bit of a mystery and I like it that way. May my little explorer have lots adventures today filled with wonder and delight, may his soul be filled with treasures of joy and passion for what matters most.

Ode to Jackie-boy

big feet
dog lover
friend to josiah
mystic
our monkey boy
family mess maker
kind eyes
enjoys barbies
the best snuggler