my fantasy party

so we had a crowd over for football yesterday. i had no idea we were even having a party but that's usually how these things go. i don't mind though, these friends are easy, you want to open your house to them. there is a sense of community that is familiar to me. i was worried about not having any food but they straggled in bearing pizzas, chili and homemade salsa.

and late in the evening there was a run for expensive, decadent cheesecake....this is the best way to be about meals- impulsive and decadent.

there is always a new face, someone randomly invites someone but everyone else seems to know or know of the person except jorge and i. i quickly try to figure out who is connected to who and how. this is life in richmond virginia, everyone always comes back. so while getting to know wendy(a fascinating policy analyst) i casually ask her what her letters are.
find out yours: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

"istj, that's so funny, my friend and i were just talking about that the other day. people rarely know about myers briggs. what are yours?"
"oh, i'm an esfj. i could talk about it forever."
"me too."

so we continue to talk letters for the next half hour. i am instantly endeared to wendy- bff i'm sure. jorge wanders into the dining room and i tell him wendy's letters and then they discuss letters too. jack starts to stir so i run in the bedroom to nurse him back down. jorge pops his head in a few minutes later, "babe, adam and aaron are taking the myers-briggs test. "
"are you serious, this is like my fantasy party!"
"i know babe, come on out."

before i know it we are all crowded around the tiny screen reading about each other in depth. everyone is talking over everyone else.
"oh, i LOVE your letters."
"that is so you."
"it's pretty on."
"hey, this totally explains your love for weed dude."
"just skip over the lover part." (the explanation of the kind of lover you are)

how this party went from a football party to a myers-briggs party, i'll never know. but i have to say, it was a pleasant surprise.

jackie-boy and mama 

chuck e. cheese

in lieu of having professional photographs taken of my children like the rest of the world, i 've accidentally decided to use chuck e. cheese. you know those photo booths that "draw" the picture of you and your loved ones, a la photoshop...i've collected quite a few of those over the past year or so. i go almost as often as the reponsible parents go to olan mills and lets face it, 25 cents a pop and that print signed by chuck himself, it's almost better. (and i love black and whites) :P

my 28th year

my 28 sounds so grown up. like you should somewhat have your shit together. still working on that one.

i woke up to a rainy, kind of dreary day. it sort of fit the feel of my birthday. it has been sort of a non-day, not very celebratory in nature. and jorge ate the lemon muffin i bought for myself especially for this morning. that bastard.

i'm not really comfortable with lots of attention but i do enjoy thoughtfulness and a kind "happy birthday" here and there. my kids have been fighting all morning, the screeching from jack- oh dear god. it's enough to drive a mother looney.

jorge took me to lunch in hopes of making up for the muffin incident. it was nice but i think this birthday needs a do-over. whenever things are going poorly with my kids (either i'm acting badly or they are) i sometimes suggest a do-over and we recreate it how we want it or how it should of been. i might declare a do-over for this birthday so everyone i love the most will have a chance to celebrate my existence in the way they meant to the first time.

we all need to be celebrated, we need to know we are deeply loved, that we are adored, cared for and that someone thinks life is wonderful now that we are in the world.

on a personal note- 27 rocked! it was such a growing year for me. i did so many of the things i really wanted to do but never had before. i have explored my art, got brave and started to really write and be vulnerable,i did things for myself, i enjoyed and found humor in the flaws of my marriage, i found a new identity outside of my family, i let myself feel all the angst of my faith, i was impulsive, i took some chances...i feel like i know how to do it now and am really looking forward to 28. i'm not so afraid anymore and am ready to embrace much more, i am hopeful and excited for the next year of my life.

the black hole

my amazing post about how my husband rocks just got sucked into the blogger black hole...that just sucks ass (jorge is the only one that appreciates my occasional crass humor).

the short of it is....

in the past, i have fantasized about divorce (never with any real intention) but it gets a girl through on a bad marriage day to imagine her dream dude- btw, this guy changes ALL the time.

but lately, i have been surprised by my feelings. i am still (after 6 years of marriage and 12 years together) so very hot for my husband. not just in a jump-his-bones kind of way, but in a i-love-being-your-friend way too

here's to you jorgina-

"what's up bitch?"
"we'll be out in a minute (or 30) boys..."
"we should have a party so we have to clean our house"
that labor day morning- you know which one i'm talkin' about- oh my stars
"i don't wanna be the family motivator"
"you order the food, i'll pick it up"
my foremost teacher on fun
you can trust me (about the money)
getting to sleep next to you in bed
listening to my work drama
letting me research job opportunities ad nauseum
truly thoughtful gifts
your car and the junkyard
that feeling i get when you walk in a room
your schemes
a deep, deep love...

-p

writer's block

ugh...i have some serious writer's block. it's tied to something deep in me. i need to try to write myself out of this paper bag...it's frustrating. a topic i know in and out, it's as easy as breathing in my everyday life but i can't articulate it. i keep trying while the letters on backspace button are being worn away.

i have something to say, something to share, something i really believe in...but honestly, i feel young, i feel unworthy, uneducated, like i'm not the person that should be writing about my passion. the language is so simple, it should be more technical, i don't have the mind. i ride on my intuition, it just isn't enough.

i just can't get the words out they way i envision in my head. it's like seeing a picture in my head and trying to paint it but i just can't even come close. the picture is fuzzy where the strokes should be smooth, the outline is rough where the lines should be round. the message, the thing that moves and stirs your heart just isn't being conveyed. the window to my soul, the part i want you to really see is distorted.

i don't know how to solve it...maybe it just isn't the time, maybe i'm just not ready, i hope it comes, i hope it flows, i really want to find my voice...