CAPITAL letters and other grammar injustices...

when my sister started her blog forever ago i noticed something a little different the first time i read it.

she never used capital letters. i found this sort of strange but i kinda liked the way it looked. the girl has a knack for making such rebelliousness look cool and artsy. so just for fun, i lost the capitals when i wrote my e-mails. it was nice to never have to press that pesky shift button on my keyboard. i felt a little reckless, like all the english teachers in the world would be appalled and instantly be getting out their red pens trying to mark them on the computer screen.

and then it just turned into a big ole' bad habit. i had to remind myself when writing e-mails for work that my boss might not find my all lower case writing so appealing. and then it hit me...it just felt wrong to use capital letters. why do some letters get to be big and important and others stay little? it felt like an injustice of sorts. i like when all the letters are together, standing side by side, coming together to make something meaningful and compelling. just because you come at the beginning of a sentence, that means you get to stand out and tower over the rest of the letters? the last shall be first is all i'm sayin' people.

but then there are those moments when the letters should get to decide together that they want to say something big. the letters then could decide to to make themselves big and all the others letters would want to support the big letters because they are doing it together!

and then my thoughts turned to punctuation. i have a tendnecy to over use the exclamation point a bit. but by golly why shouldn't i?!!!!! i think it's a wonderful tool and we don't use it enough! and then there are those times for the three little periods (god knows what they are called)...sometimes i just can't complete a sentence, sometimes i'm just not ready to end it- period. i like leaving things out there, so you can have a chance to think it over a bit and it not be so final...i love those little things.

so i don't know why i feel i must explain my poor grammar but i feel compelled today. i guess our world just isn't ready for letter equality and exclamation expression...maybe someday. a girl can dream...

oh crap, it's mother's day...

this is how i usually feel. mother's day is a complete toss up, it can either be the best day ever or one that takes months to recover from. the first few are tricky regardless, the anticipation is high and father's are usually clueless, unless they have been properly trained.

i'll be the first to admit that my marriage was more traditional in our roles. quite honestly, this was how i sold myself upfront, before we even got married. i didn't really know how i would feel until i got here, with small children. and then i wanted a big ole' switcheroo.

jorge's job also lead towards me handling more things in our home, he worked VERY hard, long hours and NEVER complained.

~

this tripped me up, i was definitely carrying a big burden myself but felt selfish to complain or ask for help. i was drowning in my role of our family. i truly enjoyed mothering and taking care of our house but i needed a self and some help, it was all too much. jorge had always been a good father, but wasn't even aware of everything i did (care wise).

jack came and i could no longer do everything. as a result jorge and jack bonded quickly and things slowly started to change. i realized i wanted a partnership, or maybe it was just i didn't want to feel so overwhelmed. i wanted someone to just know what it was like to be the mother. but really, can anyone else ever know (except other mothers of course)?

the only way men can get close to knowing is to do be thrown into the day to day fire. some mother's fear this because they don't want that white shirt they just bought to be pink from a novice launderer. they just can't bear the thought of children in mismatched clothes and their husbands doing their daughter's hair.

~

while my husband always did these sorts of jobs to begin with he wasn't exactly an expert on taking care of the kids for more than like say 4-5 hours. when i would leave for my part-time job on sunday mornings, it was just a bachelor extravaganza. cold pizza for breakfast, lots of cartoons and the occasional wrestling match during commercials.

i beg, whined, nagged, pleaded for more but it seemed to fall on deaf ears. my husband was a good dad, he connected with the boys (the best player ever) and did the minimal to get by with me. he would do anything i asked but i was bitter i had to ask at all.

so mother's day would role around and boy was it loaded, i felt entitled to be highly appreciated due to some of our imbalances. at the same time i felt guilty knowing i had created this dynamic in the first place.

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and then i can't explain how or why, but things started changing. it was right around jack's first birthday. i would come home from work and the guys had cleaned the house while i was gone, they had gone out for breakfast and played at the park. their oufits were horribly mismatched but it looked like their teeth had been brushed and their hair combed (at some point). my husband started thanking me for random and mundane things. he showered me with the compliments when i proudly announced the kitchen floor had been mopped. i begin to see how hard his job really is and tried to show my appreciation. i felt my heart becoming more sensitive and giving towards him.

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this is just how he has always been, just when i couldn't be anymore exasperated and give up, the man changes over night. like this is how life has always been, to the point where he can't remember it was ever any other way. while this can drive a girl mildly crazy i have learned to receive the change joyfully and not obsess over the past.

the feminist in me knows it is closer to what it always should have been, the old traditionalist is singing the praises of a husband that cleans and does the laundry while reading books to the children. i'm sure the true me is somewhere in the middle.

~

so mother's day was sort of strange. i didn't feel nearly as needy, it felt like the gift to me was the partnership i wanted from my husband. the kind that shares burdens whatever they might be. i realized it wasn't so much about who does what but more about being in it together. as flawed as our marriage still is, i gotta give it to jorge- he keeps trying, changing, growing...which makes me want to do the same. so this mother's day was more of a marriage day of sorts, reflecting on all the things it takes to be family together- not just one person. (while secretly knowing that for centuries mother's have lead the way in showing the world how to love and care for one another... )