too tired...

man, i wish i had something reflective or interesting to say but i got nothin'.
i've been on major output the last week or so. i helped my sister throw a snooty d.c. dinner party for 25 (i was "the help"), watched a friend's little boy all week so she could clean her house for a home visit from a waldorf school to prove her waldorf-worthiness, and i am knee deep in another writing project.

next week is a big week at work- it's fall kick-off, so i have an insane amount of work to do. i really just want to lay around and watch movies. and eat comfort food...

hope everyone else is having either a very productive or extremely lazy week...

one of those mothers...

thompson street. where the hell is thompson street? the clock reads 7:08 on my sad little car, i'm late and still lost. what was the name of that church again? i reach for my scribbled on paper and try to make out my chicken scratch. i catch a glance in the rear view mirror to see josiah happily drinking from his sippy cup looking around to see where his slightly crazy mother is taking him next.

ahhh...there it is. trinity lutheran, there are plenty of cars, this must be it. i grab my sweet baby who is looking less like a baby and more like a toddler everyday and walk into my local la leche league chapter meeting. i walk in hoping to find some answers to the questions that keep me up at night. the questions that seem so big and heavy in my mind as a mother, this is my answer.
lots of slings and very tiny babies, there are other moms that look like me- a little tired and worn out yet happy to be in the company of other women. there is a feel of escape in the room, like everyone has arrived in a safe place and would like to camp out for the night. the leaders are warm and kind and offer gentle suggestions and genuine support. but i have an uncommon problem and the oldest kid in the room and i leave feeling a little less than, not quite getting what i needed but happy to have made a connection.

almost a year later, a similar scenario, but a different meeting. i'm on my way to an alternative birth support meeting. josiah's legs dangle down past the seat. he is most definitely a toddler and still wondering where his slightly crazy and i should add pregnant mother is taking him. we walk in to find more slings but also older children. i am anticipating drawing from the wisdom of parenting in the room. the meeting ends and i make a beeline for a woman named brandy, a mother of four, simple and kind. my mind is racing, i just want to pick her brain. how did you do this? what do you think of that? i try not to overwhelm her for i would like a friendship with the woman, it's too early to show her i'm a little crazy. she perceives this and reminisces with me about her early motherhood.
"oh, i can remember when emma was that age, you're so touched out right?"
"oh my gosh, yes . how did you wean her?"
"ummm, well she eventually weaned herself when kyle was born."
i'm thinking, how exactly- what did you do exactly and how did you make it until then? she can't really recall but throws out a few suggestions. i need a fool proof plan, something concrete that i can do and is guaranteed to work. i gather the gold nuggets of wisdom in my mind and get ready to leave when brandy says the wisest thing yet, "you'll find your way patience."

damn. one of those mothers...it was like asking my gram who was married to my pop for 65 years for marriage advice. "well, you love each other and don't go to bed angry and follow the lord." the kind of advice that is non-advice leaving you to find your own way. it feels utterly tortuous in the mean time. the nice thing you realize along the way is that no one has the answers but you aren't alone. many have gone before you and helped to pave the way. and that's all we really need in the end, a listening ear and encouragement that we have in us the very thing we are seeking. the ability to be the mothers our children need, i have been called, called to josiah and jack and they to me.

so this week someone asked me a mothering question and without even thinking i said,
"oh that 's hard, i remember when josiah was that age." i gave similar suggestions and thought in my head, "she'll find her way." and she will. wow, i've just become one of those mothers...

real mothering

the clock on the microwave says 2:03am, i must go to sleep i think. i stayed up until the wee hours for there i find quiet and peace. they are my best friends whom i rarely get to visit.

i must finish this last party favor. oh, this seemed like a good idea on tuesday but now it is thursday and i have about 5 more of these mother fuckers to do. i always let my creativity run away with me. in the end i will be so glad, the favors are so personal and sweet, each one is better than the last and besides, i LOVE this stuff.

i crawl into bed next to jack and pray i can sleep by myself for a few hours. 8:30 comes quickly and both boys are greeting their toys, full of energy, ready for chocolate chip pancakes and eggs. i am exhausted but another day has begun and my tired mother ass will just have to get in gear.
after 6 hours of more favors, phone calls, naps and ignoring my children, i announce we are going to the park. no need for a/c today, it was a little warm but the breeze coming through my little green house soothes my tiredness and inspires me to suggest an adventure. we find some clean clothes that are piled up on the couch waiting to be folded, thank god there is underwear is all i can think.

we pile in the car and start our adventure. i try to talk josiah into going to a different park since i quickly realize i have no money to pay the toll to the place he wants to go. "but mom, we have to see the animals." he's right, i know, so i turn around the car and go the 10 miles to get around the toll. we get out of the car and run towards the barn to visit our animal friends.

we head down the hill to visit the cows, horses and head toward the bear exhibit. it's so hot, it's hotter than at our house. jack is lagging behind. josiah and i call and wait, call and wait..."jackie- boy! come on buddy!"...the toddler in him is frustrated by the adult in me. i've seen that bush a million times but the world is still new to jack. i can see he just wants to feel the dirt, look at the butterflies and play in that puddle, we are just going too fast. i just want to get to the bear and at this rate we'll be here until sundown. i scoop jack up and head towards the bottom of the hill, we round the corner to see a running brook on the path. i'm sure jackie's place in heaven will include running water- rocks, dirt, water- this is jack's fantasy. in a matter of seconds he is wet and having a glorious time. i let him play for a few minutes but inside i'm just too tired for this today.

i can feel the perspiration mustache forming over my upper lip, my t-shirt is sticking to me and we are still far from that damn bear. josiah is whizzing around me like a plane, begging me to play, jack is soaked and covered in dirt. i put jack on my back in hopes he won't protest too much, he loves piggie back rides. of course he doesn't hold on so i'm bending forward to keep him on. i can feel the dirt from his shoes all over my back mixing with my sweat but the bear habitat is in sight so i tell myself to endure. we get to bear and well, there is no bear. he is probably resting somewhere under a big tree enjoying some berries he found, oh i wish i was that bear, i love berries.

"awww man, no bear guys....sorry."
"he probably went home mom...it's okay, let's go."

we start heading up the hill. i say what we are all thinking. "what were we thinking?" josiah repeats me. "i know" i say in my best monica (from friends) voice. we head back up the hill that looks like freakin' everest, jack on my back, josiah behind me.

"mom, i don't know how much more i can take."
"i know buddy, we can do it. you wanna tell stories to pass the time until we get to the top?"
"nah."

oh thank god, i just don't think i have a story in me. we get to the top.
"we did it mom, woohoo!"
"shoowph, i know, right?"

jack is walking behind us, the blue truck in sight. thank you jesus...we turn around jack is sitting in the middle of the path refusing to move. josiah takes over parenting duties, "you can do it jackie-boy, come on." i throw in a "we believe in you" and he finally gets up and starts toward us. we climb back in the blue truck and head towards the messy haven, our home.
josiah badgers me about dinner the entire way home, jack cries because the seat belt isn't just so.

i was hoping to be inspired by some mix of a nature and mothering experience, but i am just glad to be home wishing i was by myself, not melting and clean. i don't even care that the house is totally trashed.

"are you grouchy mom?"
"yes. i just want to do my computer by myself."
"oh, okay. but mom, i need a drink."
jack is playing underneath the desk, trying to wiggle his way between my hands and the keyboard, he wants to nurse...

i'm sure when i'm old and gray, the memories of real mothering will be foggy. only recalling the sweetness of the mundane, the everyday, even the worst days at the park become treasured.
but today, i wonder where peace and quiet could be right now. i hope to meet with them soon, maybe tonight in the wee hours...

art and grief

heard some really sad news this week about another internet friend and her little boy whose name happens to be jackson (and just a few months younger than my jack). turns out jackson has a very rare genetic disease, the prognosis is very bad. one to two years...

i felt so restless, unable to even process. my mind constantly on this dear mom and her sweet baby, praying, grasping for some type of hope, just feeling so much grief. it seems like lately everywhere i turn someone is going through a very hard time, this however, is unimaginable. i realized the only way for me to process has been through my art- writing, painting, singing. normally, verbal process would do for me, as long as i had a chance to talk to someone- it could somehow soothe my angst but lately my art has been that outlet. i've never really thought of myself as an artist, i'm crafty- good with my hands but not really artsy. it has made really think about all the things i've always wanted to do- stain glass, mosaicing...i really need to pursue these things. life is too short to put off the things that will enrich it.

the best weekend ever...

i love that VH1 show the best week ever...it feeds my pop culture hunger and is mindless, like reading an US weekly (my guilty pleasure while sitting at the train table at B&N) from time to time.

anyway...jorge and i had a night at a hotel that i got for him forever ago. it's a good thing because we are really broke right now so it was appreciated all the more. my sister came down to watch the boys for us. i was really unsure whether jack could make it the whole night so we left it up in the air. we went out for dinner, had drinks with friends, saw a movie, had an amazing night at the hotel (and all that that implies, wink,wink) and came home early the next morning to jackie sleeping peacefully. he was fine, this is very good information for future overnight get-a-ways.

my sister, bil and zinny (the dog) wanted to go to the river so zinny could swim so we all decided to go. the weather couldn't have been more perfect. the good lord knew we could not take one more day of crappy, humid, summer weather and gave us a taste of fall. i'm already breaking out the dutch oven to whip up a yummy soup. mmm...i can hardly wait.

we climbed out on the smooth rocks almost to the middle of the river and played in the current. i stood on the rock and felt the breeze that only the river knows. i closed my eyes and received the warmth of the sun on my face. it felt like a blessing, like a holy place, the best church.
my boy's clothes came off on article at a time until pure bliss. they swam, climbed, and threw, all of their senses attended to. this is everything childhood should be.

tears were shed when we left, pleads for five more minutes, but all was quickly forgotten when we got to fuddruckers for lunch. big juicy burgers, thick creamy milkshakes, and great conversation. we headed home and collapsed on the enormous bed in our bedroom- all six of us on 2 queen sized beds. we fell asleep to a distant hum of a neighbor mowing his lawn. too lazy to cut our own, too happy for manual labor today, too busy having the best weekend ever...

theology in the most unexpected places

my sister (jen) and i have been discussing theology a lot lately. i think i have a passion for opening people's eyes to the theology in kids and parenting. i really believe our children have loads to teach us about our faith, about who god is, even about ourselves. not in the "all children are gurus, we must worship them " sort of way, but in a mutual respect manner.

all that to say, i think it goes much deeper than all that. after working on a zine i am writing with jen all day yesterday, i started thinking. it's in birth, it's in the oppressed, it's in the bum that sits on the curb, it's my old lady neighbor, it's the cashier at the supermarket, it's in the powerless.
we go to church thinking or hoping it's there, we go to the bible and can't quite always understand, we try to be good hoping it will be revealed by our behavior, we search and search and search...when it's everywhere around us if we could only wake up. like the movie, i feel wide awake. my sister always says, "the gospel comes from underneath". i think i've always known this in my heart but it feels like some big epiphany today for some reason. it places value on such different things, more to think about...

george shrinks is dethroned

i have to tell you we have always been a pbs kids family (with the occasional nick jr. or noggin show). my kids have watched hours and hours of public, commercial-free television. i like some of the shows on other channels but i just can't stand the commercialism, it makes my stomach turn. i really want my boys to have grateful hearts. let's face it, the gimme monster can surface in almost anyone after enough exposure. jorge still insists that i watch the latest infomercial with him. "but babe, look what it can do!" ay-yai-yai...

so we heard this week that there is a rescue hero show. i set the tivo and prayed curses over the advertising that it would be powerless over my sweet child. surprisingly, josiah was only mildly interested in the "chocolate maker for $19.95" (which is really just a double boiler) but he suggested this might be a good thing to make for our friends. the rescue show ends and the tivo records the beginning of the next show. the music starts, the colors bright, josiah's eyes are like saucers. ...transformers...ugh...he watches 30 seconds of the opening song, he is totally hooked. it's all he can talk about.

"what IS that mama?"
"it's like a lego robot mom."
"it's so cool."

my mother heart drops just a notch. i know this has been coming for awhile. i guess i was hoping it could be george shrinks forever. george is smart, resourceful, adventurous and kind, but not too perfect. i like george... and damn, that zooper car is just wicked awesome.

i have been putting off video games, action heros, pretty much anything violent. it's not that i intend to shelter my kid from all violence but there is just SO much needless violence in our world today. if a had a kid that craved violence i'm sure i'd be trying to work some justice angle or outlet but josiah just isn't that kid. this is my sensitive, tender soul little boy. this is probably the reason why we have gone so long without ninga turtles and power rangers. this is quite a feat for a almost 4 1/2 year old.

i don't mean to be dramatic but it just feels like it is everything that is wrong with the world. the good guys, bad guys, a lack of understanding and acceptance, impulsive action rather than careful thought, the idea that fighting is the only way to solve our problems, that power is for force and not to be shared, that strength is merely physical...and this isn't just cartoons, it's the evening news.

is there really that much evil in the world that needs to be conquered by violence? isn't there much more hurt and pain?

i have no idea how to navigate this part of my parenting. i know complete shelter is never the way to go. this is unfamiliar territory for me. i just pray my boys can see people and the world clearly, and i pray that george shrinks reigns just a little longer.